Jay "The Birdman" Stumpff - My Story

Here is a look into my head. What is going on up there? No, RaNée, it is not a little hamster on the wheel. There are more thoughts than just that little hamster.

Several people have asked me, “How can I pray for you” over the last few weeks. I generally just smile and say something like peace, endurance, or something like that. They have all said, “I know God will work in your head and remove that tumor” or “God works miracles and I pray that the doctors will not find a tumor.” I usually just smile and either say, “Yes me too” or “I know God will see me through this.” I don’t share my feelings with very many people apart from Dianne. Even then I don’t share them all. I am an introverted person when it comes to my feelings or thoughts. I have passions like sports and politics and I wear them on my sleeves. My deep thoughts usually stay pretty buried.

I guess the best thing about this tumor is that I have opened up more with other people. I have talked pretty deep with some people. Mainly what this tumor has done is rob me of some of my dignity which forces me to be more open. I can’t even be totally open with this website. I don’t like to keep a journal simply because I don’t want anyone to stumble upon it and see my thoughts not that they are bad or anything I just don’t like to share them.

Until someone goes through this they have very little opportunities to know how humble you really can be. I have been told that I cannot push myself past my tolerance. The old saying no pain no gain cannot apply to me. I can’t go past my limits because of my CMT. It is actually more damaging to my body if I push myself than if I would do nothing. Some of the very things that I hold dear I cannot do because it is beyond my limits. I broke my leg because I pushed myself. I am a man, I can do anything that is put in front of me. Oh wait, no I can’t I have CMT. My dignity has been taken away because of this tumor. So I am half the man I want to be an I have lost some of my dignity. All the questions and answers about the tumor with the doctors can get down right embarrassing.

I can’t throw a pity party about any of this because I know even if I send invitations and provided free food no one else would show up for the party. I don’t want pity. I want people to know how I feel sometimes but I don’t want their pity so I keep things bottled up.

So to answer questions, “How can I pray for you?” Pray for endurance. I am not going to ask God to take away my tumor. I have had 20 years of prayers asking God to heal me from CMT. He has not taken it away so I have to endure. I have asked God for almost 8 years to make Trey whole, remove his CMT and lump his onto me. I will go through more so Trey doesn’t have to go through it at all. Still Trey has CMT. Trey still has Asperger’s Syndrome. God has never granted my prayers for physical healing. I am not going to ask go for it and I doubt that He would take any of it away anyway. I won’t ask for prayers for physical healing. I will ask for God’s will to be done and for me to discern what His will is and how I can seek after his will. The Apostle Paul asked for physical healing and he knew that God would not take his pain away from him. I am not going to ask that the medications eliminate the tumor because God will leave it in place. I am not going to ask for surgery to remove the tumor because I know that it will grow back.

I am truly okay with all of this. I have had time to accept all of this. It gives me better meaning to a perfect body that I will have someday. Sure it gets frustrating, depressing, and overwhelming some times but God has given me peace about it all. I know that when I am weak, God is strong. When I list out that I have CMT, a neural muscular disorder, a tumor on my master gland, now a broken leg it does mount up and causes me to grow weary. God builds me back up and I can endure. The one thing that I am afraid of is that CMT will someday take my legs and I will be confined to a wheelchair. The tumor is not even scary when I think about how CMT can slowly take things away. I can no longer move my toes. That is not totally true. Mannatech has given me some hope because I have been able to wiggle my toes for the first time in about 7 years. That is a different story for a different time.

Please pray for Dianne and the kids. Pray for strength for them. Dianne has had to take on some different rolls over the last couple of years. As my body has become more limited she has taken some of the rolls the husband normally takes on. She is awesome. I don’t know how she does it all. She is such a great mother. I love to watch her play with the kids and hear them lovingly call her “Mommy.” She is such a great person. I could not ask for a better person to grow old with and I could not ask for a better friend. I have watched her strength grow over the last 10 years but I know she still needs prayers in that area. We all do. Please do not forget that it is not just me that is going through all of this. I am physically going through CMT and the tumor but Dianne is going through all of this right along beside me. We are after all one body.

That is probably deep enough. I don’t want to open up any more than this because I will probably start to cry. It hurts too bad to go that deep. I just felt the need to open for a little while. Now it is time to shut my head again.

~Jay~

Hey Jay thanks for letting us inside your head. I know you have endured alot. No one can know but you. I am very proud of you and all you have accomplished. You have been and continue to be an inspiration to me. I am thankful for your example and your continued trust in God to help you though. You are my hero, don't give up. As Churchill said never, never ,never, give up.
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Posted by: Ron Stumpff at March 28, 2005 10:24 AM

Excellent post, truly an inspiration to me. BTW, I have linked you on my site.

Posted by: Jeaux at April 6, 2005 09:58 PM