May 17, 2006
An open prayer
I am hurting. I don’t know what to do. You know my desire to work in IT and how bad I dislike being in AP.
I feel like a slug. I am reading about all of these people that died horrible unspeakable deaths just because they would not renounce You, Lord. But I cry about not having the job I want. I sleep on a nice comfortable bed and I eat until I am full and throw away enough food that I could make leftovers later. I have 5 Bibles lying around my climate controlled house that I barely crack open except for an hour a week to babble off some lesson that was prepared for me to tell the kids in class that probably are not even listening to me anyway. One woman described her torture in prison for Your name’s sake as romantic because she knows that her torment was for a short time and it was for a higher purpose. The only thing I have that is for a higher purpose is my attic because it is higher than my basement.
Here is how I feel, God. I am a broken man and worthless. I know You think more of me. I understand that but I feel worthless because I am so selfish. I want You to move mountains for me when I don’t need mountains moved I need to be moved. So I am going to wait on You, God. I have to find contentment with my current job. I have to clip my wings as to wanting more. I have to refocus on my job so I can be a stronger witness for You but I can’t find it in me to do it. God, I am not going to ask any more of You. I am sufficient in Your grace so I should not want for more. I live too richly to feel so poor but I can’t help it. This is all I’ve ever known. I want to be like those Martyrs but I can only suffer a hangnail before I break. I don’t want to be beaten or tortured and I don’t want to grow. I know I have to but I will trust in You to see me through. I won’t ask you for a better job when I can’t even appreciate the job I have.
I’ve been a jerk to people that call You Father. I am sorry. I don’t feel very worthy right now. I don’t think that I am a very good person. I sometimes feel two-faced when I want to be genuine. I guess I am two-faced. I am no better than a slug.
I will wait for You. If You can make a big fish swallow Jonah and open Balaam’s donkey’s mouth then I will wait to hear from You. I won’t try to continue to beat my head against the wall. I will continue down the path I am in. The age old saying is that you continue to do the same thing expecting different results is insanity. Well either I am insane or I am getting ready to go insane. I have been trying it my insane way so I am going to wait on You.
Comments
Hey Jay, you are kinda down on yourself. You know it is hard to see anything when you get down. You are looking in the right place, the Lord will give you strength. When we are down the Lord is up to something. I pray you will hear God and know what His will for you is. You are doing the right by looking at your job and seeing how God can use you. He only ask us to do our best, with some that is alot with other it is alittle. Just do your best Son. You are still # one in my book. Love ya, Pop.
Posted by: Dad at May 22, 2006 06:55 PM
All the stalls stink -- Two bears, two pigs
I'll take one whiff -- Before I get sick
Wallabies, rhinos -- you'll see on my boat
Watch me straightening -- the mess they're making
Save your raincoat -- I will not go
Where's the Lysol? -- carry me the soap
Na-na--na-na-na-Noah-na-na-na
Na-na--na-na-na-Noah-na-na-na
Hey guys – uh oh
There’s a skunk — I know
She left the odor by the stairs
She likes to let me know she’s scared
Save your raincoat -- I will not go
Here’s a nice thought — Camels need Scope
Na-na--na-na-na-Noah-na-na-na
Na-na--na-na-na-Noah-na-na-na
LEAD
Save your raincoat -- I will not go
First I’ll wipe off — a pair of hippos
Keep the boat still — I’ve been sorta ill
I might just throw up — in all this swill
Save your raincoat -- I will not go
Worldwide flood -- very big boat
We should just chill -- trust the Lord still
And life will go on -- and life will go on
I know it will
Posted by: Jay at June 7, 2006 06:04 PM